11 May 2010

The things recruiters really want to say

Recruitment is a challenging job. No doubt about it.

It's an emotional business, dealing with people as both your client and your product. Then right next to you are your colleagues who are in the trenches fighting the same battles as you. Our tolerance, patience and politeness are tested - frequently.

How often have you held your tongue, when many a time you would dearly like to have said what is really on your mind? I know I have - often.

So let's examine some of those moments that really push our buttons and what we might really want say. Oh ... by the way - it's ok to have these thoughts; you are not the only one; as long as they are only thoughts ... right?

Hearing your colleague carry on again about how much bad luck they are having this month

‘If you just got on the phone rather than carried on like a friggin' victim every moment of the day, you might actually find out that you don't need to rely on luck to make a few placements.'

Interviewing a candidate who has personal hygiene issues

‘You smell, badly. How can you not whiff that odour coming from yourself? How can people in your life not tell you that you smell? God, why does it have to be me who has to have this conversation with you?'

Interviewing a candidate that you find highly attractive

‘I'm sorry, what did you say. Damn! You are REALLY hot! I missed your answer to my question. Actually ... what was the question? Is it hot in here?

Call from just-placed candidate who wants to quit after 3 weeks

‘Do you know how hard I worked to place you in that job, you ungrateful whinger! It is near impossible to place anyone with that client. And with your track record, it's not like I have Bill Gates ringing me about your availability. Stop wasting my time, get back to work and don't call me until your 3 month guarantee has expired. And you better not get fired in the meantime!'

Watching the arrogant big biller swagger around the office

‘You are such a narcissistic wanker. I bet even your mother gets sick of you talking about yourself all the time.'

Loser candidate who calls about every job you advertise

‘If you were any good you would be in a job by now and wouldn't have time to annoy me with your pathetic banter about ensuring you don't lose your Centrelink benefits when I consider you for a job. You are unemployable! Here's the phone number of the Hays consultant who keeps calling all my clients. She'd love to hear from you.'

Listening to your really ‘nice' colleague get walked over, yet again, by a client or candidate

‘Harden the f*** up, princess, otherwise go and get a government HR job.'

Sleazy manager nagging you about not meeting your KPIs

‘Will you just stop with your I'm-so-important micromanagement lectures. Yesterday I saw you picking your nose and leering at that new consultant who looks like Kristen Stewart. You may be the boss but at least I don't let my dignity blow around in the breeze. SLEAZE BALL!'

Time wasting client calling in another job

‘You wasted my valuable time last month when you said the vacancy was ‘urgent' and you would ‘pay what it takes'. I worked my butt off for you and you pull the job and hire internally! And you want me to do it again? Am I under "G" for Gullible in your contacts? Take your shitty, urgent job and stick it where the sun don't shine'

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